The other day I was invited to an event with a number of bloggers who are mothers. If you were a marketer you might call it a ‘mommy blogger‘ event. I knew hardly any of the other women, but one came up to me and asked where I write. I told her about my blog; ‘it’s about women, work and the politics of motherhood’ I explained.
‘That’s nice,’ she replied.
And I snapped back, ‘No, it isn’t nice. The working world is not nice to mothers. Mothers are up to 100% less likely to be hired than their childless peers.’ She sort of half apologized and moved away from me. I spent the rest of the event scowling in a corner.
Of course, I was unfair to this woman and to the event in general. I’ve preached that women don’t need to be bitchy to be respected, but when someone suggested that a blog about women and work could be ‘nice’, I flew off the handle. Somehow, I needed to make a sharp distinction between The Mama Bee and blogs about ‘nice’ things like stuff to do with kids on rainy days and the best new strollers.
I’m ashamed to admit that I fell into the very trap I’ve talked about in other posts: the idea that something professional and serious can’t also be nice. Implicitly, I also had a sense that I didn’t belong at this event. Because an event for mommy bloggers couldn’t also be an event for mothers who work in a corporate environment. In a bigger picture way, I was distancing myself from ‘mommies’, even though I certainly identify that way in my own home.
Over the past year, as I’ve switched roles at my company, I’ve distanced myself from talking about my children, having them visit the office, and generally including them in my work life. My new department includes very few women with children, and I sense that it would damage my credibility as a ‘serious’ employee to talk about them too much. I suspect that this shift — to a place where I draw a sharper line between my work and life — won’t change as I strive towards more senior roles.
It’s interesting, because I see that women who have made it to the top, CEOs, for example, can talk about their family life somewhat more openly. It’s the women who are on their way up who have to pretend that it doesn’t exist, and that their work will always take precedence. Even when prioritizing work above family would be completely irrational.
All by way of saying: I’m sorry about the mommy blogger event where I had a chip on my shoulder. And I’m even sorrier that in climbing the ladder, I’ve bought into the idea that women can’t discuss their children and still be seen as candidates for top jobs.
Thank you so much for saying the real things!
There does seem to be a huge gulf in understanding between moms who work in corporate jobs (and especially those who are interested in “moving up the ladder”) vs. those who are stay-at-home or work-at-home.
The idea that we could talk about our kids yet be taken seriously is just still a pipe-dream in most companies. The contortions we have to go through to make our colleagues perceive us as the productive employees we are, rather than as a mom, takes a toll. It’s difficult, tiring, and stressful. Just like you, I want to lash out at those who don’t understand.
Great to have you back MamaBee. When my kids were infants and toddlers I never mentioned them at work – too worried I would be pegged a mom instead of a VP. But in recent years I’ve felt a shift, in my industry anyway, and I let my inner mom show at the office.
But I do believe it’s still tough for mothers-to-be and young mothers. Employers still seem afraid to invest in their careers because they might leave and “do the mom thing.”
Being a mother and being a “serious” employee are not a mutually exclusive. http://helloladies.com/2011/03/mominology/
I just dribbled a little coffee on my shirt reading this.. You jumped down her throat at the mention of that terrible word, “nice,” because it is everything we are not allowed to be at work: not Mommy, not female, and certainly not NICE. There is such a disconnect between our work and outside lives it is almost like being closeted. Not being able to mention that you have kids is awfully close to saying that you are married to the opposite gender when you are not. I am a physician and work for a gigantic HMO which is supposed to be family friendly, however, they have recently mandated a 15% increase in our hours, effective NOW, no argument allowed. We are also expected to work from home, unpaid, answering patient emails, working on charts, responding to lab results, calling patients, in addition to this. The 40 hour week that I contracted for, and that my kids and husband and I rely on is now a 65 hour or more week. I have had to step down, to a lesser job, with no hope of advancement in order to keep myself and my family alive and sane. I’ve taken a 25% pay cut and lost some benefits. Screw nice.. The world out there is not nice to mothers…
Welcome back–and I completely understand your crankiness at the conference. Much of Corporate America is not very friendly to working mothers, leaving it up to us to create the solutions, advocate for them, and then get professionally penalized if we do receive them–when really all we’re looking for is a chance to have a life along with work, which is what plenty of single and childless workers would like too. It’s just that we’re pushed to finally ask for it–and leave if we don’t get it–once we have kids and realize that something’s gotta give.