I’ve been reading a lot about the phenomenon that is ‘Go the F**k to Sleep.’ Some like it, some hate it. Strangely viral, the book strikes me as no more than a novelty. Who would want to read it more than once?
I wanted to like the book. I see myself as the kind of cool, subversive mother who can laugh about the indignities of parenthood. But I didn’t think it was funny at all. In fact it sort of put me in a bad mood. And it made me wonder whether it’s really parents who are buying this, versus non-parents who think their parent friends might like it. Or non-parents who want to enjoy a moment of schadenfreude.
What bothers me about the Go The F*ck to Sleep is the implication that parenthood is not consistent with a satisfying adult life. That, as a parent, your pleasure is severely limited. The parents in the book are unable to enjoy even so much as a movie or a good night’s sleep, much less other meaningful and fulfilling adult activities.
But of course this is absolutely not true. Most of us do find limitations in parenthood. But alongside those limitations come incredible moments of joy. I’ve never met a parent for whom the limitations outweighed the wonder.
Some see the book as an indictment of attachment and ‘helicopter parenting’. Maybe that was also a reason I didn’t like it. The implication is that if this father would just make their kid stay in bed – cry it out, so to speak – he wouldn’t be filled with rage. Both of my children were ‘cry it out’ babies, but never for a moment have I thought that using another method would have driven me to fury. If it had even come close, I would have done something different.
And that’s part of the crux here – why doesn’t the father in the book let the child cry it out? Why does he do something that makes him so furious and resentful? Why doesn’t the mother step in? The anti-helicopter faction says it’s because modern parents have been conditioned to give in to their children’s every need and whim. But that doesn’t give modern parents much credit.
Even when they have been otherwise awful, putting my children to bed has not been unpleasant. Cozying up with books, singing songs and nursing have all been wonderful ends to my day. Which is not to say that it is never frustrating. But the discrete times of unpleasantness are usually forgotten within hours if not minutes.
So many other things make me very angry. That spending time with my children is sometime compromised by my worries over work. That my husband and I both work long hours and spend less time with each other than we would like. That countless securities – healthcare, life insurance, retirement pay – are bound up with my job, making me feel inexplicably trapped, even though I like my job and don’t plan to leave anytime soon. But not putting my kids to bed at night.
So I’m trying to figure out why this book has struck such a chord. And I think – if indeed it is parents who are relating to this content – that it’s not about putting your kids to bed per se. It’s about the minute amount of time at the end of the day that husbands and wives have together. It’s not really the kids who are squeezing this. It’s the number of hours we spend at work. But a book titled ‘Put the F**king Computer Down’ probably wouldn’t have done as well.
I actually don’t get anger from that book. I get frustration, and a bit of exasperation, and It resonated with me and my husband because our first daughter went through phases when she just would not go to sleep. Or stay asleep. This was when she was a baby- so younger than the kid in the book- but yeah, we were guilty of saying “Go the f— to sleep” to her.
I love snuggling her at bedtime now. I loved rocking her to sleep when it took 15 minutes, or even 30 minutes. I even managed to not mind it sometimes when it took an hour. But not always, and not when it repeated several times in the night.
I have chosen to include snuggles in bedtime with her baby sister, even though they might not be strictly necessary, because she is my last baby and I know I’ll miss this. So I get what you’re saying about bedtime snuggles being sweet- but not when they stretch on and on and you just can’t get the kid to sleep, even though you’re almost asleep yourself. Or when the kid wakes up at midnight and thinks its party time and just will not go back to sleep for two hours. (Apparently, I did this, too as a baby, so at least there is some karmic symmetry in it- but it still sucked.)
And yeah, I’ve had times when we’ve finally got both kids asleep, poured a couple of beers, and sat down to watch a show, and then the baby cries, and we just want to scream.
But that doesn’t mean I’m miserable as a parent- far from it. Or that I don’t ever get to enjoy adult things- we call in reinforcements when the sleep times are particularly bad. It just means that I happen to have given birth to one really crappy sleeper (who, interestingly, morphed into an excellent sleeper at the age of 2) and one so-so sleeper who periodically has really crappy sleep phases. And that can be an incredibly frustrating thing.
There’s a quote from Anna Quindlen that I like: “Saying we’re tired doesn’t mean we’re miserable. It means we’re tired.” So for me, laughing at that book doesn’t mean I’m miserable. It means that bed times were really hard for us for awhile, and the book rings true.
I read the book as fellow parents venting about the extreme frustration and weariness that can be putting kids to bed. For me it was a way to laugh about the trying parts of parenthood with some absurd nature illustrations to boot. My almost-three year old son is way past ‘cry it out’ — which we did when he was an infant and it worked to everyone’s benefit … this book resonated with me about putting a two to three year old to bed, one who can ask for a blanket laid out just right, a glass of water, one more trip to the potty. I cannot make him go to sleep or stop yelling requests; I can control how I respond, of course, but it can be a long 90 minutes before he finally settles down. I think this book just helped me chuckle at a very specific, passing phase that a LOT of parents with preschool-aged kids go through. For me, it had nothing to do with the experience of parenthood as a whole. I’ve been a working mom and a stay-at-home mom. In my experience, being a working mom is much more stressful, busy and intense (and more intellectually satisfying). But being a stay-at-home mom, has been more wearing and emotionally exhausting (among many wonderful benefits). After funny, tender, frustrating, amazing, long days of caring for two children (one of them with a very intense and challenging temperament) I sometime wish that my preschooler would just go the F to sleep.
Leslie & Cloud,
You are confirming my suspicion that I’m losing my sense of humor as I get older. Thanks for writing about your experiences — think they are important perspective on this.
Best, TMB
I don’t think you’re losing your sense of humor. Maybe it is just that bedtimes weren’t such a source of pain and frustration for you- so it isn’t a joke that resonates.
I agree with your larger point- there are a lot of messages aimed at mothers, and working mothers in particular, about how to “survive”. I personally don’t aim to just “survive”. I aim to “enjoy”!
Yeah, I’ve had the same experiences at Cloud. I’m terrible at the end of the day. I’m utterly exhausted, and I’m desperate for some downtime (with hubby would be preferable, but without works, too). I’m on my own with the kids a lot, and on those days I’m so frantic for a half an hour of solitude before bed that I feel like I might lose my mind if bedtime doesn’t go well. It’s like if I can’t have a few minutes of peace and quiet I’m coming to come right out of my skin. Even when bedtime isn’t a hassle, I don’t like it. It’s just not a patient time of day for me. I totally want my kid to go the f*ck to sleep. It’s not an issue so much when my husband is around, or at different phases of my kids’ lives – most of their lives they’ve been pretty easy to put to bed. Even grumpy-evening-me likes cuddles and books! But I want books, cuddles, kiss, there you go, don’t bother me anymore. My 3 y. o. has been going through a phase since 2.5 where it can take anywhere between 1.5-2.5 hrs to put him to sleep. Almost three hours!!!!! At the end of a day that started at 5 AM, and following a rush home from work, frantic dinner-making, and generally excruciating meal time (that consists of my 3 yo yelling THAT’S YUCKY about everything on his plate). I feel battered by bedtime. And it has been *this* experience that makes me laugh at the book. He totally does all those things – he goes to the potty time and time again, he asks for a drink, for an extra kiss, he says he’s sick, he’s afraid, etc etc etc. Some kids have a routine that lasts 1/2-45 minutes. Some toddlers drive their parents frantic for *hours*. He has trouble settling down and we’ve tried everything. Anyway, it’s monumentally frustrating for me at a time of day when I’m not at my best. Right now, it’s the part of parenting I like the least, and I’m not surprised there are others with hard-to-put-down toddlers who feel the same way. But as Cloud says, I’m not a miserable parent, I’m just tired. I love parenting and I love being with my kids. And I need a laugh, even a gallows humor one.
No, I think you raised a lot of valid points, and ultimately I totally agree with your first paragrah: It’s a novelty and needn’t be read twice.
Love your blog — a voice that is much, much needed. I really appreciated your recent post about your personal journey, juggling family, school, work, and self. I love the mix of intellectual curiosity, introspection, and candor. Thanks!
I haven’t read the book but don’t really feel I need to. Just the cover tells me everything I need to know about it. I agree that it’s about frustration but mostly about love.