It’s taken me a while to get to Meg Wolitzer’s The Ten-Year Nap. I’ve had the sense that I might be bored and annoyed with the book’s over-privileged stay-at-home mother characters, so I procrastinated. I was pleasantly surprised to find that the novel offers an interesting perspective on women, work and feminism.
One of the best passages in the book is a conversation between the main character, a lawyer who has been out of the workforce for ten years, and her mother, a feminist author. The mother wonders why her daughter hasn’t been able to find fulfilling work, and suggests that she consider becoming a public defender. The daughter responds:
“I wouldn’t be passionate enough…and you’d need to be passionate for that job…You were always so passionate,” Amy added, “Back when you started writing.”
Later in the conversation, Amy goes on to say “I expected things of myself, but not everyone is that driven. And not everyone is really talented. And also…sometimes it’s too difficult to make it happen.”
Her mother responds: “Oh darling, I know it’s complicated…sometimes you have to cobble things together. But you could have found something to do in recent years, couldn’t you?…Some sort of thing that would matter and would make you feel good?”
“I feel good,” Amy said, her voice stiff. “Good enough.” Then she said, “I don’t know why I haven’t found it. I thought I was going to.”
This exchange felt very real to me. Amy, like so many women in and out of the workforce, is smart and highly educated, but had no passion for her chosen career, so it was easy to leave. Women who don’t enjoy their work are not likely to withstand the difficulties and indignities of working motherhood; leaving the workforce starts to look like their best option. Those who don’t have the luxury of that decision may muddle through with little ambition, relieved to have a 9-5 job that pays the bills, and maybe offers health benefits.
But if women are to excel in the workforce we can’t opt in and out, nor can we be satisfied with the relative safety and ease of middle management. Money, parent expectations, family-friendliness, ability to meet a husband — these seem to be the deciding factors for many young women in choosing a career. By contrast, men choose careers because of passion and drive for long-term success.
In fact, recent research from Donna Bobbitt-Zeher, a sociologist at Ohio State University, determined that, for the class of 1999, women’s choice of college major explained 19% of their income gap seven years later. Even more distressing, that 19% is nearly twice as much of an impact as could be documented for the class that graduated 20 years earlier.
Women’s career choices are part of the complicated matrix that contributes to inequality at the highest levels of management. Gone are the days when we can place the blame on institutional sexism; we need to start taking responsibility for years of telling younger women that “the juggle” of work and family is too difficult. Instead, we should be telling them to find the work that is most exciting to them, and pursue it aggressively. Figuring out ways to make work and family fit come to those who care deeply about their children and their careers.
Related links:
- Both David Leonhardt and Louise Chunn suggest that we should steer young women to “family-friendly” careers. I couldn’t disagree more.
- Meg Wolitzer writes about Baby vs. Career in Babble.
- Penelope Green reviews The Ten-Year Nap in The New York Times.
- An editorial in USA Today explores the connection between women’s career choice and pay equity.
EXACTLY!!! Two things in particular rang very true to me.
This: “Those who don’t have the luxury of that decision may muddle through with little ambition, relieved to have a 9-5 job that pays the bills, and maybe offers health benefits.” I’m approaching retirement, and back in the late 60s and early 70s when I was in college, the advice I got from family and advisors was to find a career I could “fall back on” after having my kids. I chose a safe career I left after 10 years; I changed careers and am doing OK, but can’t say I’m very passionate about what I do.
And this: “Instead, we should be telling them to find the work that is most exciting to them, and pursue it aggressively.” Absolutely correct. What gets lost in some discussions about work-life balance is that many of us end up doing it anyway, whether or not we’re passionate about our careers or not.
Glad to have found your blog, for your posts and for the wealth of information on this subject. Thanks!
This passage says just what I’ve observed in my friends and family: those moms who love their work find a way to continue it after having children. Those who were lukewarm or actively hated their jobs drop them like a hot potato — if they’re able. Nicepost!
Such an interesting post. You’ve written before about how having a baby is often the catalyst to get a new mother to leave a job that she didn’t like much, anyway.
I think it’s so important for people to be clear about exactly WHY they are making their choices. If someone leaves her law firm because she just didn’t find it satisfying and is pleased to have a good reason to walk away, but tells herself that she’s sacrificing for the good of her family — over the long run, that self-deception may distort her decision-making as she re-thinks her choices as her life changes.
Of course, this is easier said than done. It’s enormously challenging to be honest with yourself!
Pingback: The Real Story About Power and Homemaking « The Mama Bee
Pingback: Working for More Than Money « The Mama Bee